It is lovely and wonderful and all learning a new language....but god knows today, I am SICK of being misunderstood. I am tired of having to repeat myself over and over again and making other people repeat themselves. I am tired of having to think about what I want to say for more than five seconds. And then, even if I manage to get the words out, I think about it and it never comes out how I was originally thinking of it anyway.
And it goes deeper. Honestly this is something I have thought about a lot, living in Chile. I mean no matter how good you get at a second language, it's never really the same. I speak Spanish fluently, but there are certain things I'm not sure how to say, some ways of expressing myself that changes everything once I open my mouth. Not because I don't know the vocabulary, or the grammar. It's the rhetoric of it all. It's how you communicate a specific thing in a specific situation. In the end, what you say and that way you say it, sort of makes you who you are...it's a big part of how the world views you. So I've always felt, there's the Nasha in Chile, and there's the one in the States. Obviously, the essence is the same...but somehow my personality changes in some ways. I'm more funny in English. I can tell stories better. In some ways I've always thought that if you don't know the English-speaking me, you don't truly know me.
And now. I'm not in either countries and I can't speak either languages. Now I'm just a small part of Nasha. I'm Na. That couldn't even be a nickname. It's so frustrating. Because no one knows who I really am, what I'm really like...how I really talk. Today it feels like I'm just the confused girl that always says "What?". I was just in the kitchen trying to explain that today wasn't my day...that I'm kind of fed up with everything,.and I couldn't even explain that. And then they thought I meant something else and I barely made it out of the room without bursting into tears while washing the dishes. And thank god I did because if I hadn't...HOW would I explain it. Ughh.
I read this quote in the book I'm reading for class, and I couldn't have related more to the character in the book: "He has not mastered London. If there is any mastering going on, it is London mastering him." (Youth-J.M. Coetzee). Yes. I am definitely getting my butt kicked by Rome and it's language.
So anyway. Today is not my day. I hate feeling incompetent, which, by the way, only originally thought of because I had to be around a particularly incompetent person. Ironic. I have to admit the venting has distracted me. And I did make myself a really good dinner...ricotta and spinach ravioli with some mozzarella, broiled eggplant, olive oil and Parmesan cheese. Pasta never fails. Now I'm in bed ready for my black and white movie- Roman Holiday. Maybe I'll understand some of the Italian in it and feel better. Anyone interested?
I've never seen a trailer this old before...they were kinda great huh, with the regal voice and all? :)
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